I suppose you had to know that every single thing I write can not be all positive. Although I do believe that speaking positive does make a huge difference in the state that I remain. Today is a uphill fight with my depression and anxiety, and the rainy weather in the area is making Arthur(-itis) show up and bully his way to the majority of my day. Pain is a dirty rotten swindler that will not give up until it has crippled or stopped its host.
Back in October of 2017, my mother passed away from Lewy Body Dementia. Grief is another battle that rages inside me. I was very close to my mother. We were best friends. And some days that grief inside me is a storm cloud that builds and builds until it bursts. Today it is growing.
Now, you have probably noticed that I have mentioned God and I have referred to scripture. That is because I believe in God, and His Holy Word. I believe that people who believe in Christ should make the Holy Scriptures the very center of their lives. That said, there are times when I honestly struggle.
Romans 8:28, And we know that all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
All things work together for good. At the moment I do not feel good. I can not see good. And as I struggle for a place to get comfortable for the countless time, I can’t imagine good. I wish mama were here.
The distress in my body makes clear thought impossible. Depression is saying things that I try to ignore. I hold back the tears by taking deep breaths, because giving it would give me a migraine. I take issue at these moments that anything here is working right. “Dear God,” I pray,” Please help me.”
Then out of what seems like the clear, blue sky a sigh of relief. A break in the pain. No telling how long it will last but it has arrived finally. Now, my brainwaves can begin to work again. Now I can more clearly own the truth. These moments, even when I do not understand why, are working together for something good. Maybe I need to be calm and quiet today and would not have if I had not been forced into it. Maybe I am being protected from going somewhere that I might get into an accident or worse. I will never do know.
Missing and grieving over the loss of my mother reminds me of how much I love her. I know she loved me. So the sadness is unbearable but maybe it serves as a good purpose. Proving once and for all that love lasts forever.
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