Today was a really tough day. It fell on Tuesday but it was definitely an additional Monday. It is unclear what I did to deserve an extra one, but it arrived and was in my face. My sadness was overwhelming. Tears remained at the ready, although they never came into view. Things that I attempted failed. I tried to read and it seemed to cause me more frustration.
I dropped things, I tripped over things. I misplaced things that I had just had in my hands. My phone slipped off the console and hid beneath the seat while I was driving, and once I arrived at my destination I forgot about it and had a panic attack because I thought I had lost my phone. I managed to get into bed for the last time and thanked the Lord above the day was over.
Sheer pain in my back woke me up at 5:15 a.m. This condition seems to be one that the doctor’s do not know what to do. I have had several procedures, and physical therapy, take regular medication and see the pain specialist once a week.
Today I get up and attempt to grab a drink so I can swallow some pain relief. I stepped towards the cabinet to retrieve a glass, and my bare foot came in contact with a puddle of water and slipped across the floor. By a miracle I caught myself and did not hit the floor. Now I have wrenched my already injured back even more.
I spend the next several hours trying to alleviate or ease my level of pain. Hot soaks and rubs not really helping much.
I had such high hopes for this day. Now I lay back in my easy chair praying for either relief or death. I am not suicidal. However, because I believe in an afterlife and a heavenly home, there are times when I’d like to close my eyes and step across the tide.
My family is a beautiful blessing that can sometimes be detrimental to my well being. When I was younger, I needed to be needed. At this stage, being needed too much is anxiety ridden. I feel guilt because of it. But I have had to learn when it is time to put myself first. That it is not a selfish act, but self-preservation.
Everyday is a new challenge in life and the more issues: medical, mental or otherwise the more strain I feel. It is like St. Matthew writes in chapter 6 of the first gospel, Don’t worry about tomorrow. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Tomorrow will have its own worries. So the obstacles of today are not always the same as what I will face tomorrow? Lord, I pray not. It has taken me all week to get my thoughts on this page.
I am pushing everyday to find a way to overcome. I read my Bible, listen to good teaching, and pray regularly. I spend time with special friends and try to find pleasure in little things. I am unable to work on a job because of my limitations. I stay stressed due to all of those things plus the trepidation of depression and anxiety. However, 1 Peter 5:7 tells me to, Give all your worries to Him, because He cares for you. I really do want to, but am not always successful.
I pray that my meandering thoughts here have not bored you to tears. I published this writing to prove I am a real person with honest feelings and overwhelming struggles. Sometimes people that I find on the internet seem plastic or unapproachable, I desperately do not want to be that way.
When tomorrow comes, I must face it with hope and faith. I must strive to live my life to the fullest. To laugh. To smile. To be good to myself, and my family. I must live as a person of faith. Because that is what I subscribe to be. God bless you, my friend. Thank you for being here.
If there is a particular issue with depression or anxiety that you would like discussed here, please do not hesitate to reply.