My head pounds until my vision blurs. Pain trickles down from the base of my skull to the fingertips of each arm. My chest feels compressed by an unseen force. I struggle to breathe. A searing, burning pain explodes in my mid to low back and I suddenly notice a freezing numbness in both my feet. My legs ache like I have overworked the muscles for days. Anxiety engulfs my soul and causes me to tremble. Every word that is spoken to me cuts into me like a knife. Silent screams rise up inside and dare to escape me.
“My Lord, please let this pass” I pray in desperation, ” I do not know how long I can take this.” My family is still learning to deal with these episodes too. They must understand that if I speak harshly to them, I do not intend any harm. They also must learn that I will probably not have much memory of what the tell me. If I have any at all.
Anything planned out of doors today will have to be postponed. I can not face the outside world. My family will forgive my shortcomings and inabilities, but outside if I overreact in the world I would be labeled a witch (But it would probably start with a different letter.)
These are the times when you learn that depression is more than just sadness. It is more than loneliness. Although those are a definite part. Pain is a part of my depression that no one ever thinks about. The pain that I already have in my body be it arthritis or injury can be intensified at the height of my depression symptoms.
Depression is like being lost in the rain. You long for the sun to return. You know where the umbrella is, and that there is shelter nearby, yet you are frozen standing in a downpour that never seems to end. It seeps into every part of you while you stand helplessly drenched.
Now I have heard and read several trains of thought on what I have been experiencing. I am a Bible-believing person, and I do accept the Holy Bible as divinely inspired.
Now it has been proven that depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain. I understand that this is the case for me as the situation has run in my family. I do take medication once a day for this imbalance, the medicine makes a great deal of difference. That said, I also believe that there is a spiritual component to this as well. The enemy of my soul wants nothing more than destroy me completely. If I listen to his propaganda I will end up in worse shape than before.
2 Corinthians 10:5, Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
Satan and his imps will jump on the bandwagon when those physical symptoms of depression and anxiety occur. He will cause you to imagine every awful thing under the sun. He will cause you to have nightmares that will stay with you after you wake. He will cause you to think things that are so far from the truth that you can not even trace it back to the truth. He will cause worry and fret to exalt themselves so high in your thoughts that you can not even conceive the knowledge of God. According to the scripture, we must cast down, and bring into captivity. Now those are some violent actions. Get that junk under control! Don’t let the devil feed you any more junk! Tell him out loud that you have had enough. That you are not going to take it anymore!
When my thoughts do not agree with what God says I am, I must forcefully remind myself even though I do not feel it, that God is for me and nothing can stand against me. (Romans 8:31)
Symptoms will come. They are inevitable. But I have decided I will not allow myself to be snatched down into the abyss that Satan wants to keep me in. I will overcome. I will beat this! I will be strong in the Lord and I will conquer this battle with help that only comes from above!