I had hoped that today would be a day full of laughter and smiles, instead, it was full of new symptoms that can be described as waves. One moment I feel content and putting on my mascara. The next thing I know my mascara is streaming down my face. At first, I am busily going about my day, and end up dazed and confused about what I was even doing.
I realize that depression is probably an underlying factor, but these waves are new. They have sent my family into a flurry of, “Are you all right?” and “What is the matter?”
I find myself at a loss for words when they ask me these questions. It seems that this sudden onslaught comes out of nowhere. It is said that stress is a contributing factor to anxiety, yet at the moments when these surges occur, I am not necessarily feeling burdened.
So I am attempting to write this post and had to stop typing because my eyes were so fogged up with tears. I have no particular reason for this feeling, and once it passes, it is over until the next wave.
I have taken several days to complete this story and I feel that maybe I have a better handle on things now. My storm was very real and in my face. I have decided after much contemplation, that I have been experiencing grief. I lost my mother back in October of 2017. Every time I believe I have dealt with all the grief steps, something else rises up. And in this storm, it was coming fast and hard and scary. You know hindsight is 20/20. Well, after I am finished with the storm, I see perfectly.
Reminds me of a Bible story. Jesus and the disciples climbed into the boat to travel across the Sea of Galilee. Jesus has been preaching to throngs of crowds all day and was exhausted. He went down into the boat and fell asleep. A deep sound sleep.
A great storm arose with waves that beat against the ship and it began to fill with water. In my mind’s eye, I can see disciples bailing to keep afloat. They were scared to death and began to cry out and beg for help. Finally, some genius decides to shake Jesus awake and ask, “Don’t you even care if we die?”
And He got up and [sternly] rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Hush, be still (muzzled)! And the wind died down [as if it had grown weary] and there was [at once] a great calm [a perfect peacefulness]. Mark 4:39 AMP
As a Christian, I have Jesus in my spiritual boat. Yet, I question sometimes if He is asleep. Be honest, you do too sometimes. Now even when He was sleeping in the boat with the disciples, He knew exactly what was happening. After all, Jesus was God as well as human. God also sees and knows what is happening to me. He feels the pain I feel, and the sadness, and even the loneliness. But He is always there to take care of me, guide me, and see that I do not go under.
And Jesus said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith and confidence [in me]?” Mark 4:40 AMP
Why am I afraid? 365 times in the Bible the words, “do not be afraid” is written. One time for every day of my life. Jesus rides with me. The ruler of the universe, the Savior of my soul rides with me. All I have to do is ask for His help. He will stand up inside my situation and speak peace. Even against a tidal wave.
For a bit of humor in the rain. Try this story: Caught in the Rain