I place the laptop gingerly in my lap once a sunk into my recliner. The house is quiet and I am keenly aware of my breathing and my heart beats. My entire body is riddled with a feeling of overwhelming hopelessness.
My darling, husband brought the Christmas boxes in from storage. The moment I lay eyes on them I felt complete panic. Every year since I have been on my own, I have decorated for Christmas. Garland, ribbon, and making bows, as well as decorating trees. Large ones and small ones. One year we even made a felt one to put in the kitchen. I left no spot without Christmas cheer. My kids used to say it looked like Christmas threw up. (Please excuse the expression.)
I do celebrate Christmas as the birth of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Actually, in our home, it was always more about Jesus than Santa. I started just being memorized by the different styles of Nativity Scenes and began collecting. Randomly one day, my son said something to the effect, “Why do we have so many Nativities? How Many does one house need?” CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. It became my mission to add more and more creche.
This year I opened the plastic tub that contains my precious accumulation and stood there staring. The thought of unwrapping those individual packages left me with troubling nausea that I have no true way to describe. Troubled I fought back the waterworks that pressed behind my eyes. I reattached the lid and hoped against hope that the feelings of dread would disappear.
My Christmas tree is finally up. Although it took about four days to manage that. In years past I would have decorations up moving like a cyclone. This year it is creeping along. The kids will probably get involved, and that will help my motivation some. At least I pray it does.
If you are struggling too, I want you to know you are not alone. I can not explain why these things are happening, I only believe we will learn from this midnight storm. I know that a little baby was born to a virgin in a stable over 2000 years ago that we might live and not die. God’s son came to Earth in the form of man. John 1:1 reads, In the beginning, the Word was already there. The Word was with God. The Word was God.
He is the reason for the season and no matter what my emotions say, I believe that. I pray that you too will trust in Him to get you through this struggle. So I may not be ready to drape tinsel over everything that stands still, I still believe. No matter what I feel, I still believe.