I suppose when I began to reach the more mature side of life is when the nostalgia commenced intruding. You find yourself reminiscing in the strangest times and getting lost in those thoughts. They can be wonderful, giddy thoughts of a fun time as a child, as well as sad, loathsome times. So vivid live those pictures at that moment that your entire demeanor can improve or suffer.
Holiday time swirls with a plethora of deep emotions for me, and I know that I am not alone. Just consider the stressors that accompany all the festivities. Facing crowds of people in retail stores to try and find perfect gifts, closely followed by a long wait in a check-out line that moves at a snail’s crawl to be greeted by an employee who is all too comfortable with sharing with you and the rest of the world that his job “sucks.”
There are parties with gift exchanges and Dirty Santa games. There are Chrismas Caroling at the nursing homes and for shut-ins. The church Christmas program practices and performance, and the special collection for the Pastor. There are new clothes to buy, Cakes, pies and cookies to bake. Decorate the house and the yard. Oh, and don’t forget that you volunteered to help decorate the church and fellowship hall as well.
Be a part of or at least see the local Christmas parade. Christmas cards to address, Christmas dinner to plan and grocery shopping to do. House has to be cleaned for houseguests. Linens all washed and folded for any overnight stays. I MEAN JUST WRITING IT GIVES ME ANXIETY!
Now in the middle of all this commotion, my mind will seem out of nowhere drift off. A smell, a sound, or the sight of something and I get all choked up. Tears well up in my eyes and all at once my mood changes. That sad memory makes me feel things that I now perceive with some deep down emotion that I do not possess the inclination of what I am experiencing.
I am writing this post because it has been a while since I posted. These all-consuming emotions are triggers for depression and anxiety. I can’t even tell you how many lists I’ve made and they even begin stressing me out.
So, as a beginning to the Christmas Holiday. I have vowed to make life easier. I am shopping online. Even grocery pick-up is so much easier. And those stresses are off my shoulders. I am learning one day at a time to try and find one thing to make me feel less stressed. A walk, a book, Mommy time alone, alone time with God. And I am discovering that sharing here with you makes me feel stronger too.
I probably will never stop reminiscing, but I pray for strength not to let those memories consume me, and tear me down.
We will get through this! We will make it.